So I haven't been feeling very well lately. Not just "not well" but "completely depressed." Yeah, that about sums it up.
I don't ever feel like studying. I have a huge physics practical tomorrow and a biology paper due and I don't seem to care since I am here, writing this entry. I am so much more willing to sit on my butt and watch completely pointless television than devote time to my grades and any hope I have for a future. I won't fail any of my classes unless I totally screw up or dont show up for a test without at least a little bit of an idea of what's going on, but I really wonder if it's hit me that I could potentially not end up with a grade that i would be happy with.
I hate it, but I'm a person who regrets things. I regret not studying when I dont make the grade i want. I regret not speaking up. I regret being socially awkward when I really dont want to be. I regret not making all the friends I could and I regret the fact that I feel lonely when I dont. I will most likely regret writing this and delete it as soon as I put it up.
I had all these dreams for my life that I know won't happen. I'm never going to be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or outgoing enough or comfortable enough with myself to accept any of it.
Most people probably think one of two things about me: either I have so many crazy things to do and people to see and classes to study for that I have no time for them (and therefore they don't ask me to do things with them) or they just dont really think about me at all. I think I've come to the conclusion that most people I know fall into the last category.
A friend once reminded me that everyone deals with being bored and lonely at times. Lately, I've been sure that those times for me are a whole lot more frequent than everyone elses.
Well, anyway, that was some of what I had to get out there. I will most likely be embarrassed about this in a day or two and want to delete, but I won't. I'll attempt to stay true to my mood swings for once.
Back to feeling stupid and failing my physics lab.
I don't ever feel like studying. I have a huge physics practical tomorrow and a biology paper due and I don't seem to care since I am here, writing this entry. I am so much more willing to sit on my butt and watch completely pointless television than devote time to my grades and any hope I have for a future. I won't fail any of my classes unless I totally screw up or dont show up for a test without at least a little bit of an idea of what's going on, but I really wonder if it's hit me that I could potentially not end up with a grade that i would be happy with.
I hate it, but I'm a person who regrets things. I regret not studying when I dont make the grade i want. I regret not speaking up. I regret being socially awkward when I really dont want to be. I regret not making all the friends I could and I regret the fact that I feel lonely when I dont. I will most likely regret writing this and delete it as soon as I put it up.
I had all these dreams for my life that I know won't happen. I'm never going to be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or outgoing enough or comfortable enough with myself to accept any of it.
Most people probably think one of two things about me: either I have so many crazy things to do and people to see and classes to study for that I have no time for them (and therefore they don't ask me to do things with them) or they just dont really think about me at all. I think I've come to the conclusion that most people I know fall into the last category.
A friend once reminded me that everyone deals with being bored and lonely at times. Lately, I've been sure that those times for me are a whole lot more frequent than everyone elses.
Well, anyway, that was some of what I had to get out there. I will most likely be embarrassed about this in a day or two and want to delete, but I won't. I'll attempt to stay true to my mood swings for once.
Back to feeling stupid and failing my physics lab.
posted by elyse at
8:22 PM
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