Sincerely (your friend), Existentialism

Do you ever think about the morning and ask yourself if you were really there? I realized that I have been up for 18 straight hours today (which really isn't much different than a normal day) from 6:30 to the current 12:30 AM. Four quality-rific hours of sleep last night helps the situation, too. And I am blogging... when did that become a verb, anyway?

So, hopefully my sentences will be coherent.

...what was I writing about?

So my physics practical went pretty well this morning, I think. It was the type of practical that the TA warns the class about in the first five minutes on the very first day of class--I believe his words were "everyone fails" and "impossible" with a little "freaking hard" thrown in. Taking that into account, I think I did well enough. But, yes, I was studying last night (after a continuous 3 hour TV watching session with Taylor of Grey's Anatomy, a break to talk about how much I needed to study, The Skeleton Key on the movie channel, and random comedy segments of stereotypical white boys and black women on comedy central) until about 2 in the morning when I gave up and decided to get up at 6:30 to study some more before my 8 AM lab section.

Honestly, signing up for the 8 AM lab was an interesting experience this semester. It worked out well because I always got it over with in those early morning hours where you find yourself swaying on top of the little lab stools with your eyes closed, thinking you are nonchalantly dozing when really you're doing that annoying head bob-and-weave dance that we all laugh at when we see the guy in front of us do it in our afternoon classes. I like trying to guess how long they'll let their head fall forward before jerking it up and looking around to see if anyone saw their social faux paus. I might start taking bets from the people next to me.

Anyway, so then I had to walk in the frigid Austin weather all the way to Jester where i proceed to order a hot tea and promptly spill the burning goodness all over my hand.

Had to finish a paper on the conservation potential of Ocelots in the western hemisphere by five pm and I actually succeeded in using webspace for the first time. It's magic!

RA inservice was a great time for all. Who doesn't enjoy throwing balls at people and having to answer random questions in front of your peers? Plus, we got to dance to some super hip music... best day of my life.

So I haven't been feeling very well lately. Not just "not well" but "completely depressed." Yeah, that about sums it up.

I don't ever feel like studying. I have a huge physics practical tomorrow and a biology paper due and I don't seem to care since I am here, writing this entry. I am so much more willing to sit on my butt and watch completely pointless television than devote time to my grades and any hope I have for a future. I won't fail any of my classes unless I totally screw up or dont show up for a test without at least a little bit of an idea of what's going on, but I really wonder if it's hit me that I could potentially not end up with a grade that i would be happy with.

I hate it, but I'm a person who regrets things. I regret not studying when I dont make the grade i want. I regret not speaking up. I regret being socially awkward when I really dont want to be. I regret not making all the friends I could and I regret the fact that I feel lonely when I dont. I will most likely regret writing this and delete it as soon as I put it up.

I had all these dreams for my life that I know won't happen. I'm never going to be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or outgoing enough or comfortable enough with myself to accept any of it.

Most people probably think one of two things about me: either I have so many crazy things to do and people to see and classes to study for that I have no time for them (and therefore they don't ask me to do things with them) or they just dont really think about me at all. I think I've come to the conclusion that most people I know fall into the last category.

A friend once reminded me that everyone deals with being bored and lonely at times. Lately, I've been sure that those times for me are a whole lot more frequent than everyone elses.

Well, anyway, that was some of what I had to get out there. I will most likely be embarrassed about this in a day or two and want to delete, but I won't. I'll attempt to stay true to my mood swings for once.

Back to feeling stupid and failing my physics lab.